Happy Birthday, Mr Elemental.

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This official Postbag from the Hedge was copied verbatim from the RuneScape website, but has since been removed. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 27 March 2007.

My goodness, I am surprised that this month I paid many visits to non-humans. I get so used to visiting Reldo and Party Pete and the like that I forget that there are an awful lot of charming people that, well, aren't 'people' as you'd expect them to be. There are, of course, still letters to humans this month, but I was rather pleased to visit TzHaar, Canifis and Shanty Claws's shanty-filled ship.


Dear TzHaar who makes the TokKul,

I'm sorry I can't address you by name, as I dont know it, but I have a question about the obsidian tokens used as currency known as TokKul. My friend and I are saving up for an Obsidian Cape, but one day, he gave up. He tried to give me his earnings, but he couldn't! Why isn't your money tradable with other players, hmm?

A slightly angry guy,

Brendanl0001

Honourable JalYt-Ket-Brendanl0001,

TokKul is precious to us; why want you to trade it to someone else? Do you not know that TokKul is most sacred? We TzHaar age and harden, and when death takes us naturally we are then solid, unchanging obsidian. The ancients among us are then made into TokKul to ensure that they remain cared for by their descendents.

JalYt-Ket-Brendanl0001: you would trade the bodies of your ancestors? We do not wish for TokKul to be traded by hands unwatched by TzHaar.

Rage is foolish without focus,
TzHaar-Hur-Lek

Dear Ak-Haranu,

I don't think I quite understand you very well; all you do is sell strange bolt clips and pace in the ghostly city of Port Phasmatys. I mean, where do you get those bolt clips for Karil's crossbow - do you acually go to the Barrows? If you do, you must be extremly strong because all you have is those clips, your ninja sword and some red robes, or are they? How does one of your brute strength and social stature end up in the ghost town where you are the only living thing besides Robin and Bill Teach? Finally, how on earth do you only sell bolt clips?

From,

Whitefang757

Foreigner,

Ak-Haranu not know fully what you ask. You call Ak-Haranu brute, and yet ask help and information? You foreigner rude to honourable warrior! I come from many far to east to see what west offer, and find only savage and impolite. Green men of Phasmatys better mannered, and green men of Phasmatys dead! Master Robin only foreigner Ak-Haranu wish to know, for Master Robin is great archer - much revered profession in east.

Ak-Haranu must sell equipment from empire's armies to get home. I have no desire go past walls of ghost-city, only lamia and leech in forests, and I doubt much else beyond.

Ak-Haranu

Dear Slayer Master Mazchna,

I have always been curious about you. You stood out to me more than those pesky little werewolves. There is something that keeps troubling me, however: are you the only demon in Morytania? You are the only demon-like creature that I have seen so far in this swamp-plagued region of RuneScape. May I ask which race you come from? Is it one that we know of, or one that we have yet to uncover? Or could you just simply be a...were-demon? I don't suppose a bite from a demon could affect you in such a way. Do you possess any mystical powers that we are't aware of? Thanks in advance for answering my many questions that will surely bother you.

With best regards,

Dash133

Dash133,

Were-demon? Demon-like? What nonsense you spout. I am DEMON! Were the cloven hooves and pointed tail not clue enough, or did you think me a puny man in some silly Hallowe'en costume? Bah! Not all demons are evil incarnate, you know, and only one of them is a double-hard Slayer Master! As for other demons in Morytania, there'd better not be. I chased them all off to gain my Slayer Master monopoly in Canifis, and I'll do it again if I have to.

Besides, your abilities are already honed beyond what I can teach you at this time - stop pestering me. Be away with the fairies or go trouble the Shilo: Chaeldar and Duradel await you! And if I do possess mystical powers that you are unware of, then you remain so...

Mazchna

Dear Void Knight,

For over 6 months now, many people, including myself, have been fighting for your island, but I have a question for you. Is it really worth it? I mean, there's only trees on it, and we have plenty of them back at the mainland. It seems that every time we win it, the monsters keep coming back. So basically, what's happening is that you guys are sending us out to fight in a place where we have high chances of being killed, and what we're fighting for is a small and useless island. What is so great about this island that makes you want to fight for our lives and take it over? Thank you for your time.

Darragh44.

Dear Darragh44,

Is it really worth it? To give up on the eternal struggle that is balance vs imbalance would be to give up on our right to life itself. We must continue to fight until we have finally halted this unrelenting invasion, lest the whole of RuneScape be overrun and destroyed - and then where would your beloved trees be, eh? The trees on the Void Outpost are symbolic of trees everywhere! Save the trees!

Sincerely,
Sir V. Knight

Dear Father Lawrence,

I have noticed that your audience seems a bit...inattentive. I hate to tell you this, but I think that your congregation is sleeping. Don't you get angry at that? And why do you constantly allow me to visit, epecially while wearing Zamorak's clothes? Does it not bother you that I am not a follower of Saradomin or Guthix?

~owd2~

p.s. Nice hair

Dearest Owd2,

Your letter has worried me a little. Not the bit about the hair, but the attentiveness of my congregation. I feel that I have to write a fresh and exciting sermon. I have called it “Oh Saradomin! Oh brilliant and downright excellent god of everyone here - including Nigel at the back - you love us when we are doing a spot of washing up, especially when we do a really good job of it and don't even miss a piece of pie that we hadn't spotted on the underside”.

I am even writing the follow-up “Saradomin: what is your brilliant mind thinking when I pick stones from my sandals?”. It's going to be, well, incendiary. Come hear it, we have very soft pews.

Father Lawrence

Dear Hairdresser of Falador,

I have been truly upset with you for my entire three years of playing runescape! Your hair selection not only offends me, it disgusts me! Is there a reason I cannot have long hair - not shoulder length: I mean LONG hair! Or wavy hair, perhaps, or braids or something more interesting...like ribbons! Your selection is in need of a change and I think many other fellow members of RuneScape agree! Also, why are you the only person who works at your hair place? Are you greedy for all that money? I think you'd make much more gold if you had a bigger selection.

Sincerely...

Arwen9854

Good morning Madame Arwen9854,

Oh! We of the World Hairdressers' Annual Meet, or as we like to call ourselves, Wham!, would like to...apologise for the lack of taste you've displayed in our Temple to the Coiffure in Falador. The Faladian fashion has always been for short hair to be a symbol of status and power, as the less financially secure cannot afford to have their hair crafted by us. The very idea of people wishing to grow their hair long like a pauper is unthinkable to me. However, I have noticed some interesting styles blossoming in far-flung boutiques.

As to why I am the only hairdresser on the plane of RuneScape: I am not, there are others who simply choose not to sell their skills or do so only for very good friends. No one who has ever trialled to become my novitiate has ever had enough sense of style, taste or talent with their hands for me to allow them to join Wham!. We do not simply 'cut' hair, we craft it. We shape it and style it so that the gods themselves will be jealous. For me to bestow my services on a wild and rugged warrior, the price, considering what I can do, cannot be too high.

Ribbons? Ribbons! Pfft. I can clearly see that you would not make the grade. Even Ridgeley, the chinchompa whose efforts power my pole, has better taste than you.

Hairdresser Hair-Architect

Dear Shanty Claws,

I know that if somehow this letter gets into the next Postbag from the Hedge it will be about a month old and you may be busy doing other, more important things.

I was just wondering how a werewolf like yourself may have gotten across the holy River Salve and ended up in the island of Karamja. I thought no monsters/beasts were allowed to cross the river since it had an ancient spell cast on it to stop the hordes of Morytania from invading the Kingdoms of Misthalin, Asgarnia, and Kandarin. Is there something else afoot? An evil plot? Counter-spell? Secret tunnel? Or is it something less sinister? Do you perhaps have a special Worker's Permit to work side-by-side with the childerkins? Or are you just not a true werewolf and maybe some other being?

I would really appreciate it if you would answer this question which has plagued me ever since the Christmas Update came out.

Sincerely,

Xxxslayer013

Avast ye, lubberiest of landlubbers,

How be ye? Has been nary three months since I last saw ye, wit' yer gublinch freezin'. You were a brave'un – I could've done wit' ya on the Seahound. Ye'd have made a grand foremast jack. Not that the last'un was swallowed up by a sea troll, no sir'ee.

Well, to yer questions, as you were kin' enough to correspond.

Aye, I be a werewolf, an' no, I bain't be one of the Morytania pack. Bunch of landlubbers wit' no control over their changin's. One minute yer chattin' all harmless, an' the next they're in yer face, slobberin' like a dagannoth. I tell ye, a good month atop a turtled ship, sharks a'circlin' like the 'ands of a clock – that'd burn some sense into 'em.

As fer yours truly, Shanty Claws be a sailor wolf, a canis aquos. Me father were a sailor afore ol' Shanty, his father afore him. We go back to the wars, the fam'ly Claws, an' no Morytania e'er came into it. We may 'ave been, some distant moon ago, a land wolf like the rest of 'em, but don't go lumping us wit' 'em. They wouldn't know their lanyards from their larboard. Darn droolers.

Keep a clean bill 'a health,
Shanty Claws

Dear Klarense

I bought a ship from you for 1k and you said you'd be okay with losing your ship, but when I kill Elvarg and come back to use my ship to get back to Crandor, you've painted over my ship's name - yes MY ship - and called it Klarense's Cruiser! IT'S MY SHIP! I'm suing you because you stole my ship...Jagex, I would like to have a court martial sort this out.

Yours angrily,
ih8haxors

P.S. Would you allow me to buy my boat back for 20k?

Dear ih8haxors,

Are you suggesting that I stole back the boat that I sold to you, and then painted over the name in order to pretend that it was a brand new boat? Nonsense... I think you’ve been knocking back too many Short Green Guys, my vessel-less friend! I don’t know who these court martial people are, but I do know what lawyer means (I’ve needed a few over the years!) and I’ve got a great one to defend me for super cheap monies. He has won every single one of the one case he has fought, so I’m in very capable hands.

If you wish to take this any further, you’ll have to speak to me through him:

C. P. L-F. Carruthers, Esq (LLB)
Legal Consultant - Weapons Division
Carruthers, Landsbottom and Og
Lawyers of Distinction

Bye then,
Klarense

p.s. 20k, you say? I'll have my accountant get in touch - it's the same guy.

Wise Old Tips[edit | edit source]

This month is the Chaos Elemental's birthday, and as one of the oldest and possibly wisest entities in RuneScape (Gypsy Aris estimates its age to be equal to the number of yew trees, minus the number of coal rocks, times the number of werewolves, with an accuracy of plus or minus two thousand). In celebration of its birthday, I've asked it to supply a few anagrams for your delectation.

I am it. Hangar's at ninth egg on motion.

A shingle's ounce ramp, cur!

Hi, Jimmy's a nontechnical pomps.

Lurk, thesis-stink! Oh, till goofier homonym.

Guaranteed slimes sing.

Ocarinas blast it: tell warranted variants.

A camouflager's overworked net.

Hotshot manatee, not thorns!

Utmost hop; up, ghastlier salad net.

Now seething benign, hesitant. Now degraded trash.