Magic, Hans and Bankers!

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This official Postbag from the Hedge was copied verbatim from the RuneScape website, but has since been removed. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 19 December 2005.

What with the holiday rush, I have been particularly busy lately, but still made the effort to get those letters out, and what letters you've written!

This edition of the letters pages includes the mysterious absence of Father Urhney, flying cows and an enlightening interview with Traiborn about his life history, so without further ado...

Dear Father Urhney:

When I first approached you over four years ago for assistance with helping Father Aereck in ridding his church's graveyard of a ghost, you told me that you had sworn not to leave your demesne in the Lumbridge Swamp until you had completed a full two years of prayer and meditation there.

Well, it's been over two years now and you are still there! Have you received divine instruction to extend your sabbatical from Lumbridge? Or are you merely in hiding, attempting to hide from some kind of scandal in the church?

In any case, I feel you ought to explain the REAL reason you are out there.



Dear Shadowdancer,

Sadly, my attempt to seek solace in nature's quiet embrace, so that I may contemplate the mysteries of the universe and seek enlightenment through my course of meditation and prayer, has been frequently interrupted by what I can only assume is a bizarre conspiracy by some fiendish cult.

I require a two year period of silent contemplation, yet I rarely manage even a week before one of these crazed lunatics arrives at my shack threatening to repossess my home due to failed mortgage repayments. Rather bizarrely, as I constructed my shack myself with my own two hands. And each time they force me into conversation, my two year period must begin anew.

I genuinely can't understand it. They all show up, and say the same thing, to the very word... it is indeed a mystery, that perhaps I will solve if I am allowed those two years of silent prayer.

Dear Hans,

Why did you wet yourself and run away from me so many years ago? I was such a weakling. I only attacked you to get you to stop running, so that I could ask you a question. All I wanted was directions to the next city, but you just had to run away like a scared little girl and make things complicated. I hope you suffer for eternity.

See you (very) soon


Ahhhhh! It's him again - the one who threatened to kill everyone! He's found me again!


At this point Hans ran away from me, flailing his arms around him in terror, so I was unable to get the rest of his response. I'm very sorry about that.

Dear Evil Chicken, How did you become evil? How did you...get to level 121 unlike your level one brothers? And the last and most important question: does chicken feed taste good?

Strangely, your questions are all one and the same! Why do the other chickens fear me and call me evil? Why am I so powerful? It's because I HATE the taste of chicken feed...

No, I have a MUCH tastier food that I enjoy to eat, that makes me big and strong, and keeps my feathers so shiny and clean...

I LOVE roast chicken!

Yum-yum, with a dash of garlic and a sprinkling of herbs and spices, I could eat it all day long... MUHAHAHAH! Bwuk bwuk bwuk.

Dear Mr. Bank Worker in Catherby,

The bank always has a closed part, why is this? There are a few of you sitting at the back - probably gambling and getting drunk - while your fellow employees are working 24/7 without a so much as a toilet break. Why don't you stand up, walk over to the desk and do some work?

Hope you dont get sacked,


Dude, it's like, totally my break, 'kay? Like, don't bring me down, man, I'm just waiting for the coffee to boil. Sheesh, you guys are always like, 'withdraw this' and 'deposit that' and 'rearrange the other' it's like, such a drag!

Just because I don't live my life to the clock like them other banker dudes, don't go getting on my case when I take five for a bit of a cuppa!

Dear owner of the shop in Port Sarim,

When will you pay us? I've been "working" for you for about 2 years, and when I ask if I get paid yet, you say "Uh...not yet". When will we get paid?

Well, it's cooling down and the banks are closing soon, so I better send this off and head home to Varrock before the "Tree Goblins" wake up...

Magma Flame

P.S, The back is NOT tidy

Oh, uh, hmm, well, er...the cheque's in the post!

Get back to work you slacker! You haven't even unpacked that crate of bananas yet! I want that apron cleaned before you return it, too!

Greetings Oracle,

I'm writing to you from the terrifying hellhounds' den. I have always admired your vast knowledge and I was wondering if you could answer a question for me? "What does the future hold for me?" I must know because I recently had a lot of bad luck from rock golems and ents on my travels. I hope this letter gets to you safely.

From Restlesssage.

(P.S - If letter is undelivered, send to my kingdom in Miscellania)

Let me consult the spirits...

Ah, yes.

The waterfall flows, like the grass grows. Often in spring, the birds can sing.

I hope that reveals much of your future.

Dear Traiborn,

I do not understand you at all. You are calling yourself untrustworthy, called me a thingimmiwut (what an insult!) and even used bones of other wizards for your ritual. Tell me more about yourself.



A young thingummywut wants to hear a bit of ol' Traiborn's life story, eh? Well, let me start at the whatsit.

I was born in the year dumdy, in good old wotsit. After many years working as a doodad, under the care of kind old whoosis, I decided it would be best to thingy at the whatchamacall. Yep, that's pretty much it, in a thingummywut.

Thank you Traiborn, that was very helpful.

Not at all, it was my wossat.