Spooky Mahjarrat, Cabbage Mages, and Spots (A Good Boy!)

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This topic name is not found in-game.
While the name or title of this topic is not officially recognised in-game, the information contained on this page is still considered to be canon and is based on official sources.
This official Postbag from the Hedge was copied verbatim from the RuneScape website, but has since been removed. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 4 October 2021.

Hello everyone, it’s good to be back! Since my little jaunt to Kourend and Kebos, the G.P.D.T. offices have been absolutely swamped with your letters! After much stamping and sorting, the team were finally able to get them shipped out – and look, we’ve even got some replies. Let’s have a read, shall we?


Hans[edit | edit source]

Dear Hans,

Have you ever felt a loss of purpose? When you're faced with the most troublesome news how do you often find yourself overcoming it? I've known you for years and I await your expertise.

Gratefully yours, DividedStory

Dear DividedStory,

Hm, it’s a tricky one, for sure. Whenever I hear something troubling – for example, that an evil adventurer is coming to kill everyone in Lumbridge Castle – I often panic in the moment, but then I take a few laps around the castle grounds and I usually feel much better. When you’re faced with bad news the most important thing is to take care of yourself, after all. I’ve found that the more effort people put into looking after themselves, the more those around them feel inclined to reciprocate. In other words, the more we try, the more others tend to as well!

As for a lack of purpose – well, you know, I didn’t always work for the Duke of Lumbridge. I once walked a very different path! Sometimes it’s just nice to try our hand at something new. After all, if things aren't working out as you like, it's probably time to try other things! Change can be daunting, but the bravery to indulge it is very often rewarded. And most of us are far braver than we realise. I'm absolutely certain you are.

Why, I remember when you were a fresh-faced adventurer, hopping off the boat from Tutorial Island. Now I hear you’re up to all kinds of mischief! You’ve come a long way from baking cakes and shearing sheep, that’s for sure, and you’ve overcome many challenges along the way. I’m sure that whatever your future adventures may be, they’ll be even more exciting.

Do come say hello at Lumbridge Castle. And incidentally, I still haven’t heard back from that evil adventurer, and I’m getting a little bit nervous.

All the best,

Hans

King Roald[edit | edit source]

Dear King Roald,

I hope this letter finds you well - I will keep this message brief. I have a question that's been burning in my mind for some time now, and I would hope you or your advisor could put it to rest.

The River Salve, and Paterdomus Temple by association, are incredibly important in keeping the dark forces lurking in Morytania out of Misthalin. Believe you me, I've seen what's over there and what wants out, and it's not pretty.

So please, when I ask you this, it's only for the sake of security and ease of mind.

Why in Saradomin's name is the only guardian of the temple an oversized pug?

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen. (MasK_6EQUJ5)

Dear Citizen,

Look here, you – there’s no need to be rude! Spots might be a little lumpy in places, but I assure you he’s not the least bit oversized. And just because he dribbles everywhere and makes that horrible snorting sound doesn’t make him a pug. Reldo assures me that he's a pedigree light beast - or er, was it dark beast? Anyway - these noble beasts are selectively bred for their loyalty, strength, and terrifying stature – and I’ll have you know that Spots has been certified as a perfect example of his breed. He’s even won trophies! Before somebody came along and knocked his confidence he was doing an excellent job guarding the Paterdomus Temple – and I suspect that once he’s feeling better he’ll be more than happy to sink his teeth into you.

Good day,

King Roald III of Misthalin

Akthanakos[edit | edit source]

Dear Akthanakos

What have you been up to since you were freed from your imprisonment in Enakhra's temple? Your return has done little to affect the temperament of your Ugthanki, and they remain as irritable as always. I would appreciate it if you gave them a talking to so they would stop accosting me whenever I so much as glance at one as I make my way through the desert. I'm sick and tired of having to wash camel spit out of my robes.

/u/wahisietel

Wahi! I didn’t know you had Reddit! All that time stuck as a boneguard means I haven’t caught up with all the newest technology – so I’ll be sending back an old-fashioned letter with this friendly postal skull.

Ah, the Ugthanki! I do miss those rascals. I’d love to check in on them, but unfortunately I’m still detained up here in the north, waiting on everyone else – as usual. Although more and more of us are turning up, actually! I've even sensed a certain shadowy presence lurking around.

Luckily I have my age-long epic battle with Enakhra to pass the time. It’s going alright. You know, there’s only so many times you can ice block your immortal enemy before it gets tiring.

Oh, and word to the wise – that’s not actually spit, per se. You might just want to buy new robes.

Yours,

Akthanakos

Monks of Entrana[edit | edit source]

Dear Brother Monk, you who performs the security checks for the ship to Entrana,

I am submitting this formal complaint as a result of our recent interaction on the 19th of Pentember at approximately 5 past midday, when I was refused passage to the holy island of Entrana for the carrying of supposed illicit or dangerous goods. I was turned around angrily without a chance to speak, chastised, and demanded I contemplate my grevious sin.

I reject your assessment entirely.

I am not only a devout follower of Saradomin, but also the only possession on my person at the time was my pet salamander.

My Saradomin-loving salamander.

Look, I get it. Security and all that. But while in line, I watched some of the most incredible individuals pass through your checkpoint. I saw a man walk by with an actual ballista with the string literally in his other hand. No issue. I watched a man adorned in crimson robes with a book in Zamorak's name, openly reading aloud as he waltzed through. No issue. I saw a lady dressed in a demon outfit with a carrot sword roll up, carrying a pet three-headed dragon. No issue.

And yet I was turned around for my pet salamander.

I was in tears. I still am. You guys need to reassess your priorities and reach for better standards, as this was completely unacceptable. I'm giving you 2 weeks to respond before I'm heading to the authorities. I'm expecting compensation and proper boarding rights for salamanders or you can expect to be in Port Sarim jail.

Sincerely,

Gnome

Dear Gnome,

We’re sorry to hear you fell foul of our strict no-weapon policy. Even the light of Saradomin cannot illuminate all mysteries – we are simply beholden to the ancient teachings, and unfortunately, Salamanders (whatever their personal beliefs may be) are strictly prohibited.

A Salamander-loving individual such as yourself may find this difficult to believe, but there are some unscrupulous types who would weaponise these magnificent creatures, using them to shoot flame from their mouths! Obviously you would never do such a thing, but we must remain vigilant at all times to uphold our island’s laws. For some reason, tourists love trying to sneak weapons through our inspections – it’s rather rude, actually, especially when the vast majority of visitors are content to enjoy our serene vistas, thrilling hot air balloon tours, and extensive glassblowing facilities.

As for the examples you’ve listed, I assure you, there’s a reasonable explanation for all of them. As an adventurer yourself, you must know that a ballista without a string is no more than a block of wood – so that’s fine. That Zamorakian may well have changed his ways after beholding the peaceful life we live with Saradomin’s blessing, and you know, we can’t turn down a potential convert. As for the lady with the demon mask, carrot sword, and sweet little dragon friend – well, you know what they say, it takes all types to make a monastery.

We’re sorry your little friend can’t join you on the island. Perhaps he’d like to visit one of the many other beautiful monasteries in the region? We’ve enclosed a coupon for a free Cabbage Picking Experience and Spa Day for Two at our brother monastery west of Edgeville. With your Salamander’s deep devotion to our lord Saradomin, he should have no trouble getting past the doorman.

Praise be to Saradomin,

The High Priest of Entrana

Brassican Mages[edit | edit source]

To the Brassican Mages, the small yet dedicated sect of followers of the cabbage god known as Brassica Prime,

Why do you choose to follow such an enigmatic and mysterious deity? Is there something special to be found in cabbage, as what Saradominists find in wisdom and Zamorakians find in destruction? They find little use among us adventurers as they only restore 1 HitPoint when eaten, and are not robust enough to be worth farming. However, I would be delighted to be able to recognize the sacred properties of cabbage with the same dedication as you, if you are so inclined to teach them to me.

Regards, findanegg.

Greetings, seeker of the cruciferous mysteries.

Is there something special to be found in cabbage? Why, of course there is! Does a vegetable have to restore HP to be useful? Isn’t it enough to be filled with vitamins and fibre?

My instruction to you, seeker, is to take time to savour the flavour of life. Like sauerkraut, you must give your mind space to ferment, and awaken the nutrients within. This principle is at the heart of Brassican philosophy – embrace it, and you too may find enlightenment.

Deliciousness be with you, seeker.

Lady Vulcana Lovakengj[edit | edit source]

Dear Lady Vulcana Lovakengj,

I am writing to learn a little more about how the Lovakengj family history. Specifically, anything about Yonrith before and after he came to Kourend. I also wonder if there is any contact between the dwarves of Kourend and dwarves elsewhere. Like does your city have ties to Keldagrim and the trading companies?

Thanks,

MaybeIAmCringe

Dear MaybeIAmCringe,

Oh, Yonrith Lovakengj? He was our founder, you know. He was a great military commander, or so the story goes. Not much talent in Smithing though. Oh, and he was chased here by some sort of vengeful madman. I don’t know the details.

Yes, we are in contact with the Mining Consortium. They don’t have anything to offer us that we don’t make here in Lovakengj. There are a few other dwarves in Varlamore, but we haven’t been in contact for centuries, on account of all the assassinations and wars and such.

I’ll have to sign off now as I’m overdue a sherry.

Goodbye,

Lady Vulcana Lovakengj x

Wilderness Ghost[edit | edit source]

Question to the ghost I see roaming the wilderness:

OoooOooooo OooooOooOoo. Ooo OooooOOoooOo OoooOoooOoo! OooOooooOo OooO Oooo. OooooooooOoooooOoooo? OooooOoooOooo?

Sincerely, OooOoo

Luckily for you, CaptainAlphaWalrus, I’m fluent in Ghostspeak. Here’s what your spirited friend had to say:

Hello, CaptainAlphaWalrus.

Wow, nice of you to finally say hello. Most of you humans just ignore me.

Yeah, it’s tough to be cursed to wander alone for eternity, but I’m generally in good spirits. Geddit? Ho ho! And thanks for the compliment. I got it the same place I do all my shopping - at the ghost-ery store!

Sorry, just a bit of boo-mer humour. You know thinking about it, this might have been how I got cursed in the first place…

See you around,

The Ghost You See Roaming the Wilderness


That's all from Postie Pete for now! If you have any questions or feedback please let us know what you think via our official forums, on the 2007Scape Reddit, or the community-led OSRS Discord in the #gameupdate channel.