The woeful tale of the bunny ears.

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This official Postbag from the Hedge was copied verbatim from the RuneScape website, but has since been removed. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 18 December 2006.

Merry Xmas, RuneScape! I do enjoy this time of year: I take the opportunity to pay my body a visit, I get my skull waxed and I grease the wheels on my trolley. I also get to deliver lots of cards, not to mention sending a few myself. This year I'm going to give the Chaos Elemental one, but I'm not sure how he'll take it: his house is a bit small to get cluttered with cards.

92 Somewhere Street

Where ever you live town

Dear Santa

Thank you for giving me that Yo-Yo 2 years ago. I really enjoyed that year of christmas. Santa, I just have one main question. How do you afford all the materials needed to make those presents to give out for free? It must be way out of your budget to pay for all the RuneScape players. If you work independently how do you get paid? You must be losing a lot of money each year and you are probably in debt unless you have some sort of "Santa Magic" to conjure up some materials.

Also Santa wouldn't you run out of paper (Or hardrive space since you are digital) to keep track of all the naughty and nice peopple? It would take ages to read your list and if someone came up to you asking for their present you may have to read through your whole list each time to check whether they are naughty or nice. You must be feeling a lot of stress unless you haven't been programmed with feelings.

You must also have many bags under your eyes as you have to stand in the same spot for two weeks straight. What has been keeping you going? Strange plant must be helping you with its fruit or you may be using Super Energy Potions which you have stashed away somewhere.

Some people may complain that your presents are not good enough for them and may insult you for being lazy or cheap. From the good of your heart you have made these presents to give out for FREE to these people. This could make you feel like a failure but don't give up santa! You are doing a great job and I love these presents! Hopefully you make a visit this year at Christmas, I'll be looking forward to it.

Thank you Santa for your time.

Yours Sincerely

P.S You should start stocking up on those potions and Strange Fruit.

Another dimension

Dear Steovannie,

Thank you so much for your letter! I don't often get a chance to reply - now that I'm pan-dimensional - but the elves have been particularly productive today, so I gave them the rest of the day off.

This year has been particularly hard work, young Steovannie. In fact, it hasn't been this hard since the Year of the Abyssal Whip. Of course, that was an especially difficult year, but take my word for it – we have been extra special busy, and it looks to be a great Xmas.

As for the strange fruit: well, I wish I could stock up. It often feels like I have done seven rounds in the Brimhaven Agility Arena, and a strange fruit or two would certainly help. We have no such thing here, of course, and I have often thought about moving to RuneScape so I could be closer to them. My elves, however, do spend a long time standing still and working, so they would no doubt find their toys converted to banknotes and odd ladies offering them baguettes. The closest we have here is door-to-door salespeople, and they rarely teleport us to mystical theatres so that we can mime with them.

Ah, to your main question, good Steovannie (and you have been good – I have checked with my close friends, the Moderators, who keep me up-to-date on who has been naughty). It does not cost me much to make so many presents, as we have a deal that I cannot completely reveal to you. All I can say is that when you 'High-Alch', as you call it, some of the material gets a little 'waylaid'. We also give the tax men extra special pens for Xmas, and they tend to leave us alone.

Even if it were expensive, Steovannie, it would be worth it. I never get to see your face when you open your presents, but it does not bother me one jot. Letters like yours make my job worthwhile.

Thank you for your time, Steovannie. Have a wonderful Xmas.


PS – Leave out a strange fruit this Xmas, or better yet, make me a strange fruit pie!

To my Beloved Bunny Ears,

I have had you, for a very long time. I have worn you through battle, I have worn you through volcanoes, I have worn you through the mining guild, I have worn you baking pies, I have worn you through everything I have done over these short years we have been together, from the Original Runescape, to now. I have a few questions, concerning our relationship.

Bunny Ears, we have been together for a long time now, but I think we should see new people. Its just not the same any more. I am a level 55 now. I used to be a level 20. Even though my progression of 35 levels is hardly comparable to other players of runescape, its been a long 35 levels and a long few years. I am sure that we could make a deal so that we both could get what we want. You see, you do no protect me in battle. How am I supposed to improve my strength when everytime I fight something with you I die? Solution - buy some armour. How do I come across armour? With the help of money.

Listen, we both know how mining for coal in the mining guild is horribly tedious, you have been there with me many many times. I promise, that if you would let us split up, for a large some of money, You'd be with someone who loved you very much. I just can't go on pretending I want you anymore. It's just not working anymore Bunny Ears.

Don't get me wrong, you cute rabbit like adornment, I just need to move on, and find a new love. Like full rune.

Please, Bunny Ears, understand its not you, its me.

Your owner,


Dearest Cheezerman,

How I dreaded the day you'd say such things to me!

I suppose I knew it was coming... I know I'm not as perky as I once was; I know my fur is a little thin in places. I've seen you looking at those shiny, newly smithed helms and knew your thoughts were wandering.

Do you remember the first redberry pie we baked together? The time you singed my tips when smelting bronze? How delighted we were when we first did the bunny hop emote together?

I would never want you to wear me out of obligation or, even worse, exile me to your bank. I'd only collect dust and grieve with the knowledge that I was taking up one of those precious spaces that you could use for storing herring or coal or stacks of gold.

I will miss you, Cheezerman. No longer will we feel the wind rushing past us as we fly valiantly into battle. For you, it will only be hard, cold rune that keeps you company. For me, some second-hand head who may not wash its hair as frequently as you.

Cheezerman, I won't stand in your way; go forth, be rich, run free. Please spare a thought for me every once in awhile. For my part, I will never forget the good times we've spent together, nor how quick you were with the flea powder when required.

Fare thee well,
Your Devoted Bunny Ears

p.s. You're going to feel really, really silly once you discover that I'm untradeable. I hope you realise that I'm expecting the most stupendous apology you've ever had to come up with in your life; after all, you'll have a lot of time to think it through whilst you're mining all that coal. Now, if I were you, I'd be on my way to the shops to buy the biggest box of carrot-filled chocolates you can find, buster.

Requesting translation into the Monkey Language

Dear Very Esteemed Monkey King (The King of the Monkeys in Monkey Madness)

Why do you refuse to be even half polite to other visiting races? I mean really, look at the gnomes, elves, dwarves, ghosts of Port Plasmatys, and even werewolf people of Cnafis. They all don?t immediately throw people in jail when they are seen. Actually none of these intelligent races are even aggressive towards humans. So why the hard feelings towards humanity?

With out the monkey gree gree, you guys will just throw me back into jail, which isn?t nice. And I happened to lose mine, requiring me to go back and do a lot of the quest again (Which I still haven?t gotten the urge to do). It would be nice if you guys set up a human-monkey embassy to promote peace between our very intelligent races.

The Humble Magic10801

Ps: By the way I am not coming anywhere near ape atoll unless as an ambassador. So you can?t hurt me even because you know my name (oh I am pretty sure you still want to hurt me). Please don?t hurt Postie Pete, he does a pretty good job at the postbag and besides, he isn?t even human, he just has a head with a bag and hat!

Ook eek, 'Humble Magic10801'. Ook? Eek eek eek... Ook? Eek eek! Eek...that's better...I wish you'd keep my Amulet of Manspeak closer at hand, Muruwoi. Now I can get back to dictating my superior simian response. Are you getting all this, human?

Dear lowly human,

Half polite? How dare you insult us by suggesting we are in the least bit 'nice' to you, our so-called, 'evolved' cousins. It upsets me to think our races are even slightly related, you hairless ape. Jail is too good for you.

And although I do not yet know what this 'greegree' you refer to is, be warned that should you ever return to our fair isle, we'll show you some proper monkey 'hospitality'. Just be thankful we only threw arrows at you last time - next time I'll set a troupe of chimpanzee rangers on you!

Curse you all, curse you all to ScapeRune!
Awowogei, King of Ape Atoll.

Dear detail select characters

Every time I start to log on i see you two guys and i always wondered; what are your names? Also I would like to know how a skeleton and a human manage to get along. I never get to talk to a skeleton. I would also like to know if I could join in one of your dice games like the one on the Wallpapers section.


Dear Moonshine122,

I, the great and illustrious knight, am known as Tim and my skeletal friend over there is known as Crunchy.

Unfortunately, you will not really be able to 'speak' to Crunchy due to his lacking the necessary components of speech...such as a tongue, lips... or indeed lungs. I can relay that he is enthusiastically gesturing at me in order to say "Hello". Oh bother: his left hand just fell off. Eski, leave it. Leave it! Bad dragon! Stay!

[Postie Pete: At this point, Tim ran off after a small green dragon who had previously been sitting under the table drooling on my mail bag. Crunchy then took up Tim's quill and continued to write.]

'Ello. Dice you say? Well if you can find us out and about on one of our holidays, feel free to ask us for a game of dice. Here's one of our holiday snaps:

Postbag from the Hedge - The woeful tale of the bunny ears. (1).png

I hear the returning footfalls of Tim, so I bid you goodbye for now.
Crunchy, Tim and Eski

Dear Graahks,

In particular Groucho, Cheeko and Carl, I was wondering why it is that you dont just jump over all of the many spiked pits that evil adventurers lay down for you to fall in. Is it because you get tired having been proded and poked, or is it just that you have poor eyesite. I think that you should be the ones laying the traps (seeing aas you know the terrain so well) and that you should be able to wear the prized adventurer skin clothing.


Yours faithfully Kilahmed Ali (i'm not a hunter honest)

Carl writes:
Enlightened Kilahmed Ali,

While it is true that we could, in fact, jump over the pits that the wealthy of the world lay before us, we prefer to use our horrific deaths as a sort of protest at the injustice inherent in the current system of government. You see, we graahks believe that any sort of hierarchical system wherein the base of workers supports a superstructure of managers through production of labour is *OW!*

[Postie Pete: Carl was rudely interrupted by Chico poking him in the eye]

Groucho writes:

My eyesight is fine, it's Carl's we should worry about, although Chico seems to be managing that himself.

We would dig pits, but we don't have thumbs. Then again, if we had thumbs we'd probably have shoes; if we had shoes we'd have laces to tie, and I never learnt how to do that so we'd never get around to digging pits.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Yours politically, absurdly and painfully,
The graahks brothers

Dear Crossbow-Wielding Update Animal,

YOU ARE SOOO COOL!!!! Can I ask some questions?

  1. What kind of crossbow do you wield?
  2. Do you get called on for a picture when an update comes out?
  3. Can you ask the photographer to give you more update-pictures since you look awesome?

Dear 'human',

Your letter smells of penguin. You thought I wouldn't notice? Your flippermarks are all over it, and it has a faint whiff of herring. I know this because Geoffrey, my poison tester, smelt it. He can smell a parcel of penguins from one hundred acorns away.

Now we have revealed your true colours (black and white, the most rubbish ones! They're not even proper colours!), I shall take this opportunity to gloat a bit. Ooh, you're going to regret writing to me.

  1. I will not give away specifications, beaky. All you need to know is that it can hit a mushroom from two hundred acorns away. Try flying away from that one. Oh, you can't fly? Ah, bless.
  2. I do, and don't I look fancy! Some smelly old human with a paper crown wanted my picture. He was a little weird, but he filled my cheek-pouches with acorns, so I didn't mind.
  3. My painter has made a portrait for my Xmas card this year. I would let you see it, as I know I have more grace and beauty in a single tail-hair than any of you bloated black and white swimming chickens, but I'm only sending it out to my closest squirrel friends.

Merry Xmas, beaky.

This message will self-destruct.


Dear Prince Brand,

One day, as i walked throughout the land known as miscallania, i heard the faintest sound of a lyre. i followed my ears to your room, and sat for hours listening to your music. it moved me in so many ways. The lyrics however, well, lets just say i blocked them out. once i was done listening to your ear candy and was on the boat back to my brothers in the province, i wondered to myself, "does he know rock and roll?"

surely with someone as talented as in the feild of music has heard of the Hardcore music that its rock and roll.

Music is the Universal language!


Dear Vid-,

I'm pleased that my lyre raised no kind of ire,
Though I am confused by these 'rocks that roll':
To my musical ear they sound quite droll.
My ballads and songs aspire to inspire;

Are you a critic who detests my words?
I have many fans - and some admirers -
For whom my songs evoke the fair iris,
The flower belovéd of the songbirds.

But I see some appeal in the discord
And bright lights, the drumming and the strumming -
Hopefully even some music awards;
They must be better than Astrid's humming.

In Varrock I hope to be a fixture
And pose like the singer in this picture:

Postbag from the Hedge - The woeful tale of the bunny ears. (2).jpg

Image supplied by Omg a Pur3.

With finest regards,
Prince Brand

Good day Romeo, you soppy little fool.

I have recently noticed you have a moonclan cape. I can only guess at what you could have been doing in your past. Perhaps you were a great adventurer? Even an accomplice of the wise old man, it makes sense doesn't it? A wise old man and thick young fool, but these are but speculations what are you doing with that moonclan cape, and how did you get it? As far as i know the only people who have been to the moonclan island are great adventurers (like me) and squashbuckling pirates.

Who are you?

Blip Alien

Dearest Blip Alien,

You're absolutely right, I was a great adventurer back in my younger days. I used to swashbuckle my way around the world, slaying dragons, saving fair damsels, and thwarting evil masterminds. I was considered one of the bravest, handsomest men in all of RuneSc..... oh who am I kidding? I'm such a failure, I've never even left Varrock! The cloak I hear you ask? Oh the shame! An old chap with a blue party hat on and thick glasses left it on a bench in Varrock and I thought it looked pretty so I took it for myself.

Yours tragically,

Dear Vannaka,

I was taking a walk in Burthope today when I decided to check the Warrior's Guild to see if there were any news. As I approached Sloane, on the second floor, I noticed something I didn't notice the last time I had seen him, he was wearing a very nicely crafted green cape with a fist symbol on it. I immediately recognized it as the Strenght Cape of Accomplishment.

How is this possible? Capes of Accomplisment are only awarded to the best known person at a skill (wich means Sloane is currently the strongest man in the world). But way back from tutorial island, I remember you have a combat level of 147, wich is way above what any common mortal can ever achieve. You can even hold a two-handed sword in one hand, and a dragon shield in another! That shows you are incredibly strong.

Now to the point of this letter: If you are so strong, why does Sloane have the right to wear that cape, but not you?

Your greatest fan,

King Muumuu

King Muumuu,

Dear, oh dear, oh dear… what did they teach you in school?

That pathetic excuse for a warrior, the one you call Sloane, has chosen to announce himself as the strongest man in RuneScape. Strongest man in the world? Pah they let anyone with level 99 Strength wear that thing - I have a strength level of 112 and don't need a cape to prove I'm strong like that pathetic excuse for a warrior. Funny, isn’t it, that he decides to remain near the Warriors' Guild, living a nice, comfortable, pampered life, while I spend my time teaching the untrained how to fight and nurturing the talents of many experienced slayers. BOOOWWARRRGH!

Yes, I think he fears me… EVERYONE fears me! When I look in the mirror, I fear me! AAARRRGHH, I scream like a schoolgirl when my huge face appears on the cracked glass in front of me, like a collage of the Abyss with war for hair. Well, if I had any hair, it would look like WAR!

My face has damaged that mirror so many times that I’m due bad luck until I’m three thousand years old! Can you believe that? Man, I will be ugly then… but strong. I will ALWAYS be strong! The strongest, in fact!

Remember, a cape does not maketh the man.

Yours in anger,

Wise Old Tips
TzHaar Translations

It has come to the Wise Old Man's attention that lots of you happy RuneScapers are merrily trying to translate the TzHaar language. Given the popularity of his last set of translations, he has graciously agreed to supply a few more. Again, the key is to realise that TzHaar words are more about the emotion or passion behind the word than any kind of direct translation.

Tz = Fire, Burn, Hot, Life
Haar = Sacred, Holy
Hur = Builder, Sculpter, Crafter, Small
Tok = Rock, Hard, Material
Yt = Ice, Freeze, Cold, Dead
Tal = Rod, Staff
Em = Mace, Hammer
Om = Maul, Club

That's it from me for now, but I'll see you all again next month, so keep sending me your letters and paintings!

Don’t forget – when you send us your amazing creations we can’t accept links, so please don’t send them to us!

Next month… stuff!

Postie Pete

Write your letters and send your pictures to [email protected]