Transcript of Soggy journal
I'll show Haris! 'Unworthy' my boot. I'll be swimming in gold and glory when I return with the treasures of the western lands. I heard one of those adventuring lot talk of big-eared lilly-livers, who live behind walls made of diamond. Whatever they're hiding, it's gonna be mine, and if they put up a fight, then they're definitively in for a good hiding. HAH!
Sold the last bit of flax today. No more itchy fields for Blunderguts! Blunderguts is my new pirate name. After all, I'm gonna be a captain of the high seas soon. Maybe I should buy an eye patch, look the part and all that. No one would dare mess with the mighty captain Blunderguts!
Purchased my first vessel from a chap offering a good price, considering the damage. Smells a bit like toast though. He said he swindled it off of one of them lofty hero types. I set sail from Port Sarim tomorrow. Ahoy thar and onwards!
Maybe I should've brought a sextant... How do I find west again? Never eat Toroth[sic] slippers... How does it go? Never watch skeletons eat? All this pirating is making me hungry. I've got plenty in the store. Besides, I'm the Captain. So if I want to stop at some tavern along the way I shall... I will hear no more about it.
So I just stopped at this dock, seemed great at first. But no tavern. Some local's directions led me to a giant swamp. Oh Saradomin, the stench of the place, 'Be brave Blunderguts. 'tis what piratin' be all about, forgin' yer own adventure from scratch.' I thought. The locals were friendly enough, 'Come visit our god, you will never starve again' they said. They only tried to feed me to a bloomin' snake! Luckily I must not have looked appetising, bein' so skinny 'n all. With my quick thinking, jumping back into the lady's boat, I made a tactical retreat.
Back to the sea I go. Ahoy thar and onwards!
I saw it. With me unpatched eye, I swear. The walls were mightier than the palace of Varrock. The light caught the tides and it burst into a thousand different colours. But soon as I went to drop anchor, the arrows came. These arrows came at me so fast and so hard I could've swore they was glowin'! I had no choice but to tactically retreat.
Please. If you find this journal, send help. I couldn't save the ship and I'm stranded. All of the people here ignore every word I speak, they're like zombies. Zombies that kill crabs all day long. You can't even eat the crabs, they're almost entirely made of sand!
Ahoy thar, please save me!